


dear mom and dad, love alex

by massivdisaster



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Deal With It, Letter form, This is therapy, We're all crying, alex has a lot of feelings, alex is crying, if something is triggering pls let me know, maybe suicidal thoughts if you squint but it's not explicit, set in 1995, shitty parenting, so period appropriate homophobia, uhhh idk, yes i gave bobby a new last name before he became The Trevor Wilson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:41:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28235583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/massivdisaster/pseuds/massivdisaster
Summary: alex (read: me) just needs to get his feelings about what happened with his family out. he does this in a letter that never gets sent, or found. until now.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	dear mom and dad, love alex

Dear Mom and Dad,

Hi. It’s your son. Not that you’d ever acknowledge that, of course. I’m the smear on the family tree now. Sorry, I guess.

We had a family chat today. Mom spoke 6 words to me the entire time, but she made me a sandwich, so that’s progress. It’s the most we’ve spoken since I came out and moved out. She even put chips on the plate. That was a nice touch.

Avery is the one who invited me over--you know, Avery. Your first child. Your perfect child. Right? The golden one? She’s responsible and has her own job and company and a cute dog and she’s not like me. She’s the one you prefer. The one you actually like. You know. Avery Mercer.

Anyway, she invited me over because apparently, I upset her by not coming out to her directly. I don’t know why it matters. I never wanted to come out to you anyway. I did it out of necessity because I was tired of having to sneak around and fight with you to spend time with girls. So if I was gay, that’d make it fine. You were supposed to love me anyway. God, why didn’t you?

I guess it’s good Dad never chose a church that shoved the whole “gay people are going to hell” agenda down our throats, but the sentiment is there. I remember a few Thanksgivings ago, when we were talking about two girls kissing on the sidewalk--they were together. In love. And Dad threw a fit and said it just wasn’t natural. It wasn’t right.

Of course it was natural. Of course it was right. They’re two people in love, same as you two. Except they have bigger hearts and are a thousand times kinder than you two will ever be. Who completely ignores their child when they come out? What kind of person does that?

Avery kept saying she just wanted to “understand” and that she didn’t think I realized how hard it was for all of you. As if I did any of this for you. As if I chose any of this because I cared about how you thought about me. I wanted to be your perfect kid, the one who did no wrong, you know? I wanted to be Avery, or better. I tried to be. But that’s not possible, and that’s not how the world works. You got me instead. God, you were supposed to love me, right? I’m your kid. You can’t give up on seventeen years of loving a kid just because he likes to kiss other boys.

Avery also mentioned family therapy. Sure, I’ll do that. But I’m not compromising who I am. I’m just tired of not talking about anything with you guys.

Do you want to know what defines every memory I have from when Mom and I would fight when I was a kid? It’s yelling, slamming doors, me trying to keep her out by barricading myself in somewhere just for some peace and quiet, crying and screaming and wishing I wouldn’t exist. The worst time was when I was twelve; that was the first time I distinctly remember wanting to remove myself from the planet. But that was after years of build-up. Years of us fighting every week, yelling at each other, making messes of it all, and then...nothing. We wouldn’t talk for two days, not even on the ride home, then Mom would ask me something out of necessity and things would gravitate back to neutral ground. No longer at odds. Until it started again. That can’t be the way to raise a child. Right? Let me see the parent manual where it says that avoidance is the only way to deal with your problems and I’ll take it all back. But until then, what the fuck!

Sorry for all the water stains on the page. I’m crying. No surprise there, right? I was always too emotional.

Oh! Something else Avery said! About us being a family, and that me moving out and wanting to change my last name to Patterson or Robinson was hurtful. You do know family isn’t just defined by names, right? It’s defined by bonds. I went hunting with Dad when I was a kid because I wanted to spend time with him. We unwrapped ornaments at Christmastime together so they could go on the tree, and when I was nine he woke me up at 5 am on April Fool’s Day to show me a drawing of a turtle he’d done in crayon and put outside on the deck. Avery and I didn’t spend much time together, but when I went to stay with her for the summer on the east coast we had lunch and she took me to see a show and I babysat her dog and helped her out with her work stuff. Mom was my best friend. I talked to her thousands of times a day and most of my self-worth was defined by whether or not she was proud of me. I did everything to make her love me, except this, apparently. Wanting to have the last name of a family that loves me unconditionally doesn’t negate that you raised me. I am a mosaic of you all. I am made of pieces of you all that I loved, and still love. Can’t that be enough? Why can’t that just be fucking enough?

You’re still my family. You should still love me. But if you don’t, I have my found family. I have Luke, my roommate, my ex, my best friend. He makes me chocolate chip cookies when I’m sad and gives hugs and lets me cry on him. I have Reggie, who makes me laugh and knows when to leave me alone and when to let me rant and throw things and reminds me that I’m valid and loved when things are hard. I have Bobby, who is a silent protector but does his best to give me the support I need (and threatens to beat people up when they’re mean to me). You’re my family, but I have a new family too. They don’t cancel each other out. They never will. 

I don’t know what the point of this is. I’m never going to send it to you. But God, I’d like to, yeah? To let you see how deep you hurt me? To remind you that this has never, never, NEVER, been about you?

I’m sorry that me coming out was so traumatic for all of you. But having to hide a big part of myself for a significant part of my life was traumatic for me too. And you know what ended up happening? Exactly what I was scared of happening. I lost you. I’m not getting that back. I’m never going to be able to go back to being your son the way you want me to. The way that I want to. It makes my chest ache, and I don’t know how long it’s going to take my heartbreak to heal. I hope it’s soon. I don’t think I can take much more of this.

On a lighter note, the boys and I are playing the Orpheum next week. It’s kind of a big deal. Everyone is going to know who we are. Maybe then you can be proud of me. I’ll have done something worthwhile. Come see us play, if you want. Maybe we can find a compromise.

love,

Alex


End file.
